6 Oct

Why cocktail waitresses are my heroes.

The day I slipped at the waitress station I was wearing a new pair of sneakers that turned out to be non-non-slip. After I fell I crawled into the kitchen, and standing there were a bunch of guys I knew, who happened to be in a band that was playing at the bar/restaurant/club that night. What are the fucking chances.

At the same club, one of the other cocktail waitresses was telling me a story about something that pissed her off when she went to turn over a clean wine glass to fill it, only when she slammed it down on the bar… yeah. Then she just lifted up her hand, pulled out the stem, and walked away. Which makes her my hero.


Drink Recipe Tips: Red Death

4 Oct

They know not what they order.

Unless you’ve been there, it’s hard to convey the frustration I feel when the bar is mobbed, I’m in a hurry, and someone orders a single god damned shot of Red Death – then I put all the bottles back and serve it, and then the person next to them orders the same fucking thing and I have to do it all over again.

Signs Your Bar Is A Dive

2 Oct

Relatedly: Signs You Need A New God Damned Job

Got any other Signs Your Bar Is A Dive? Comment!

What To Do When: The Cops Show Up!

29 Sep

An old one, re-inked.

This has happened to me far too many times for me to not wonder if maybe I should be working somewhere else.

Liquid Heroin, Crack, and Cocaine… Get Them Straight

27 Sep

Might not be a bad idea to put this on a flash card.

Although I had my own method of making screaming nazis, third reichs, and liquid crack/heroin/cocaine, it largely consisted of grabbing a couple German-sounding schnapps and thinking, “Shit, did that have Goldschlager or Rumple Minze in it?” then watching the customer’s face while they did the shot. Truth be told, I had a hard time keeping them straight. And for some reason, I had a damn hard time finding any liquid drug shot recipes in actual books (which pretty much suck across the board).

After consulting a shit ton of internet sources (some of which I admit probably “consulted” each other), I noticed there’s a lot of crossover, and some legitimate disagreement on the screaming nazi front. I propose that the name “screaming nazi” be solely used for Jager/Goldschlager, because there seems to be no disagreement that Jager/Rumple Minze is a liquid heroin.

What Happens to Rude Customers

25 Sep

Or I just take their drink away. HA!

Memorable Customers Part 2: Amateur Bacon Sales Rep

22 Sep

How could this be anything but true?


What would we have done with the bacon, anyway? How would you explain that purchase to your significant other as you fried it up the next morning?

In other news, happy birthday to me!